maybe it seems that I'm the one that gets thrown out in the trash.
again and again
maybe it's my fault, but somehow I don't really think it is.

now that I have nothing to worry about, I feel like something's wrong. 
like I can't be content. 
it'll pass
this semester was wonderful and terrible all at the same time.
I made an A in my first college class... and made a C in physics
it's all well and good though
I got some things done today
no shoes, but presents to all.
there are bats in my attic
the waste smells terrible and apparently it's toxic
they'll be gone soon... hopefully.
I'm confused and sure all at once.
I'm depressed and happy.
It's all a cycle.
but lately it's a cycle that turns very quickly
maybe it's just... my cycle
I love life, even though it's tough right now
I had to give my mom some of my money a few times now.
I'm okay with it... it's just weird.
I guess times are hard, but I'll appreciate them later.
I no longer want to think about the future.
I'm excited and scared for it, but I can't think about it.
It'll have to wait... and so will I.

Merry Christmas.

music: The Snake The Cross The Crown - Behold the River

It's quiet today.  Silent.  The cold weather seems to do that to sound.  No one around, not even a sound.  Like the town is all asleep mid-afternoon.  I love this walk.  I almost love it even more now that it's brisk.  Maybe I love it for different reasons.  Quiet.  Silent.  Where is the world?  -Hiding in it's heated den.  Hiding from dry skin and white knuckles.  It's not so bad.  I like the walk today.  The trees, the light green spaces in the grass where the bright light shines through.  That is my favorite.  Those special spots make me warm and fuzzy just by looking.  Times like this make me wonder how I ever leave the world outside.  Why do I ever escape to the indoors?... with the stale heat cracking mu lips and drying my skin...  The cold seems to make me feel more alive, or do I feel less alive?  Sleep or surge... it only depends.  The cold is strange that way.  Perhaps, that is part of the invigorating, the unknown. 
---And now... sitting here... everything seems right with the world.  I'm at peace.  Partly, it's this same cool, crispness, surrounding me.  It's that same wonderful part of the day when the special places come out, when the light shines in all the right spaces.  For some reason, it makes me feel loved... like it's a work of God, only for me.  I don't even know if it's true anymore, but I'll keep to what I like to tell myself.  Aside from if I know, it has to be something great, something more wonderful than me, something so much more powerful.  I don't know why, and it sounds crazy.  Somehow, I just know.
---I don't know anything about life anymore.  The days have really started boiling down to the present.  The future no longer has the same importance as it once had.  This should terrify me, but it's strangely enticing.  Somehow I know everything will be alright.  Nothing is about impressing or excelling to the highest point anymore, and I'm strangely okay with that.  I'm starting to appreciate the little things so much more than before.  I feel more alive than I ever have.  I feel more normal, more together, more pieced to one.  How do I know?  I don't.  I just believe.  Maybe this is me taking another giant leap back to faith.  Maybe not.  But... I sure hope so.  One thing's for certain; it's gone, and maybe not on the surface, but deep down, I want it back.  I want it back so badly.  Though it will have to wait. 
---This peace is inviting.  I want more.  I have no idea how long it will remain, but that's okay too.  I'm at one with my circumstances, if that makes any sense at all.  I no longer care.  At times, I have inklings of doubt, but I swiftly push them away.  This might only be another cycle, but I will hold onto this empowerment for as long as I may.  It's no longer about one I will please from day to day, or friends I obsess about, situations I analyze, people who pull me down, ideas that push me sinking.  I'm up high.  No one can REACH ME!  I feel close to untouchable.  I feel amazing.  I'm not sure what to do with myself.

this is strange.  this is really really strange.  it's my mistake, but I didn't want it this way. 
take me away.  take me away.  oh so very far away.
I cannot wait.  I cannot wait for things to change. 
It's killing me.  It's slowly killing me.
It's not the way.  It's not the way I want it to play.
this is strange.  This is oh so very strange. 
Nothing is the same.
but I can't complain
got to keep on going
got to mask the pain
this is so strange.  things are very far away.
nothing is right.
not anything can be changed.
I need some power
I need some change
but that change
that change is so very very strange.

so why do I even bother?
I feel alright during the day mostly, but when I sit to think it all comes crashing down.
I feel like the most oblivious person in the world.  Why does that always happen?
I just want someone who gives me the appreciation I deserve... and vis versa.
and how can I possibly function well with all of this?
These family issues are really baring down on me.
Sometimes, I feel I can't breathe.
I just feel completely confused at times and completely happy another...
but a lot of the confusion comes from the fact that I realize the happiness was blindsighted.
and why am I all of the sudden a terrible writer?
I'm hating this class and hating myself for hating it.
maybe I don't hate it, but it's definiately giving me an ego bruiser. 
so what now?
oh yeah, so I'm at seems with the fact that I'm still lonely, never having a date and the only person that really seems to mind me is someone I'd rather stay friends with.  Why does that happen?  I don't understand the cards God has delt me.
not to mention, I come to find that the Homecoming dance is about two weeks from now.  :/  I would like to go.  It's my senior year.  I'm trying to make the most of it. 
Really, I'm feeling like I'm moving on from them, but every so often I get pulled back... by them or by the fact that I still seem unsettled.
and it's like I don't know anyone... that I'd like to.


and on a pathetic note, I saw someone driving today... but he didn't see me 
apparently he asked for my number before, but who's to know if he was even serious.
I guess he's known to pull that.