Alex says, "HOWDY!"

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 00:38:32 GMT

maybe it seems that I'm the one that gets thrown out in the trash.
again and again
maybe it's my fault, but somehow I don't really think it is.

so long sucker

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:54:46 GMT

now that I have nothing to worry about, I feel like something's wrong.
like I can't be content.
it'll pass
this semester was wonderful and terrible all at the same time.
I made an A in my first college class... and made a C in physics
it's all well and good though
I got some things done today
no shoes, but presents to all.
there are bats in my attic
the waste smells terrible and apparently it's toxic
they'll be gone soon... hopefully.
I'm confused and sure all at once.
I'm depressed and happy.
It's all a cycle.
but lately it's a cycle that turns very quickly
maybe it's just... my cycle
I love life, even though it's tough right now
I had to give my mom some of my money a few times now.
I'm okay with it... it's just weird.
I guess times are hard, but I'll appreciate them later.
I no longer want to think about the future.
I'm excited and scared for it, but I can't think about it.
It'll have to wait... and so will I.

Merry Christmas.

Serenity

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 04:15:57 GMT

It's quiet today. Silent. The cold weather seems to do that to sound. No one around, not even a sound. Like the town is all asleep mid-afternoon. I love this walk. I almost love it even more now that it's brisk. Maybe I love it for different reasons. Quiet. Silent. Where is the world? -Hiding in it's heated den. Hiding from dry skin and white knuckles. It's not so bad. I like the walk today. The trees, the light green spaces in the grass where the bright light shines through. That is my favorite. Those special spots make me warm and fuzzy just by looking. Times like this make me wonder how I ever leave the world outside. Why do I ever escape to the indoors?... with the stale heat cracking mu lips and drying my skin... The cold seems to make me feel more alive, or do I feel less alive? Sleep or surge... it only depends. The cold is strange that way. Perhaps, that is part of the invigorating, the unknown.
---And now... sitting here... everything seems right with the world. I'm at peace. Partly, it's this same cool, crispness, surrounding me. It's that same wonderful part of the day when the special places come out, when the light shines in all the right spaces. For some reason, it makes me feel loved... like it's a work of God, only for me. I don't even know if it's true anymore, but I'll keep to what I like to tell myself. Aside from if I know, it has to be something great, something more wonderful than me, something so much more powerful. I don't know why, and it sounds crazy. Somehow, I just know.
---I don't know anything about life anymore. The days have really started boiling down to the present. The future no longer has the same importance as it once had. This should terrify me, but it's strangely enticing. Somehow I know everything will be alright. Nothing is about impressing or excelling to the highest point anymore, and I'm strangely okay with that. I'm starting to appreciate the little things so much more than before. I feel more alive than I ever have. I feel more normal, more together, more pieced to one. How do I know? I don't. I just believe. Maybe this is me taking another giant leap back to faith. Maybe not. But... I sure hope so. One thing's for certain; it's gone, and maybe not on the surface, but deep down, I want it back. I want it back so badly. Though it will have to wait.
---This peace is inviting. I want more. I have no idea how long it will remain, but that's okay too. I'm at one with my circumstances, if that makes any sense at all. I no longer care. At times, I have inklings of doubt, but I swiftly push them away. This might only be another cycle, but I will hold onto this empowerment for as long as I may. It's no longer about one I will please from day to day, or friends I obsess about, situations I analyze, people who pull me down, ideas that push me sinking. I'm up high. No one can REACH ME! I feel close to untouchable. I feel amazing. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:29:45 GMT

this is strange. this is really really strange. it's my mistake, but I didn't want it this way.
take me away. take me away. oh so very far away.
I cannot wait. I cannot wait for things to change.
It's killing me. It's slowly killing me.
It's not the way. It's not the way I want it to play.
this is strange. This is oh so very strange.
Nothing is the same.
but I can't complain
got to keep on going
got to mask the pain
this is so strange. things are very far away.
nothing is right.
not anything can be changed.
I need some power
I need some change
but that change
that change is so very very strange.

quams with the mundane

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 04:01:13 GMT

so why do I even bother?
I feel alright during the day mostly, but when I sit to think it all comes crashing down.
I feel like the most oblivious person in the world. Why does that always happen?
I just want someone who gives me the appreciation I deserve... and vis versa.
and how can I possibly function well with all of this?
These family issues are really baring down on me.
Sometimes, I feel I can't breathe.
I just feel completely confused at times and completely happy another...
but a lot of the confusion comes from the fact that I realize the happiness was blindsighted.
and why am I all of the sudden a terrible writer?
I'm hating this class and hating myself for hating it.
maybe I don't hate it, but it's definiately giving me an ego bruiser.
so what now?
oh yeah, so I'm at seems with the fact that I'm still lonely, never having a date and the only person that really seems to mind me is someone I'd rather stay friends with. Why does that happen? I don't understand the cards God has delt me.
not to mention, I come to find that the Homecoming dance is about two weeks from now. :/ I would like to go. It's my senior year. I'm trying to make the most of it.
Really, I'm feeling like I'm moving on from them, but every so often I get pulled back... by them or by the fact that I still seem unsettled.
and it's like I don't know anyone... that I'd like to.

and on a pathetic note, I saw someone driving today... but he didn't see me
apparently he asked for my number before, but who's to know if he was even serious.
I guess he's known to pull that.

a new kind

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:36:31 GMT

I can't express what I'm feeling right now.

new days ahead

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:32:30 GMT

so another year has come.
better classes
seems more carefree
seems easier
but I know it's not
but something's off
something's strange
I feel strange
I feel better, but strange
not sure about my peers
part of me just wants to say the hell with it I want to go to college
but I want this to work
I want to have a good year
I have to try to be positive
which I've managed to do so far
I'm not upset or angry
I'm just slightly confused
everyone feels distant
not sure if I even want to become that close to them again
but it feels strange not to
not sure if it's worth forgiving, but i suppose that's the right thing to do
I'm automatically forgiving... but considering it later and wondering if it's the right choice
as far as NEW people are concerned, I'm almost thinking: what's the point?
no one seems to be interested, even if I put myself out there
they're either too stuck up or too nervous also, i guess
it's like... I spend my days... talking very little
it's strange
maybe it's something I need to think about because if I didn't I would just go on by myself and not socialize hardly at all
it IS strange
and my best friend has a more serious boyfriend
and the other, i'm not sure

I hate

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:41:41 GMT

everything I wish I could be and how it always seems never enough.

some people

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:50:34 GMT

make me sick to my stomach

I'm just feeling sick to my stomach

well now I'm just confused

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:24:14 GMT

This school year will either be really fun or will be the hardest, most horrific year of my life.

People keep telling me I need to concentrate on colleges and believe me I have and I do...
but now the more I think about it, the harder it is.

hope

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:05:42 GMT

It sucks when someone you once felt guilty for being prejudice against...
You realize you were somewhat right.

---------------------------------------------

I don't understand some people, but then I understand perfectly.
So I read someone's blog today.
It was concerning his faith or lack there of, his shifted morals and whatnot.
For a moment, I couldn't believe and felt a sort of relief when I read it.
I'm losing... or may have almost already lost my faith, as well.
It's really hard. It's a small battle going on in my heart.
The worst part is that, for some reason, I know I have no control over it.
It's out of my hands. like... I could do my part, but it'll have to come back with time.
I want it back so badly - that relationship, but I can't force it.

He mentioned some of the same things, without the actual idea that he wants it back.
He just gave up.
He's given up and he has no desire to change. He says he wants to go back to when he still had morals, before the girls, the drugs, etc.
That's the part that hit me the hardest.
I don't understand... or don't want to understand that he truly believes that's the way it goes.
Are you serious?
I wanted to tell him that girls, drugs, other people, or any other obstacle is in no way responsible for his loss of morals... his loss of faith.
I wanted to tell him that it was all on him.
I wanted to tell him that if he really wanted it back, he wouldn't be speaking that way.
He's giving up because he wants to give up - not anything else.
I wanted to tell him because I was afraid he had no idea.
but how am I supposed to know?

I didn't tell him because I was afraid.
I was afraid it wouldn't be my place, that I might come on too strong, that I might upset him... or myself for a wrong reason.
I was afraid to speak up. that it might seem like I was lecturing him.
and then I realized that's what's wrong with me... with our nation
but maybe that's the struggle with people.
We're too afraid to speak up. Then, when someone actually does, they don't know when to stop. Then, no one knows when to stop.
No one knows balance.
That's what creates chaos.

and then, I noticed I'm having the same problem he has.
My relationship with God is dwindling not because of high school, boys, or drugs...
but because of home life, my father, my mother, myself.
I'm loosing it because I'm confused.
Knowledge is trying to kill it.
that constant self exploration
I try to fight back, but a huge part of me doesn't care, is too skeptical.
I'm not doubting if God is there. I'm doubting how he is and in what way... with me.
I'm doubting if I can trust people.
I'm doubting teachers, and peers.
I'm doubting people.
That is my block from him.

I'm just waiting.
I try so hard.
I pull that imaginary line connected to him, but it never moves.

and then...
the difference between him and I...
I still have hope.

the hard part

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:41:04 GMT

is telling myself to be patient

damn you, mailman

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:15:27 GMT

so I suppose I'm no good at AP exams.

My record isn't very impressive. In fact, it's down right pitiful.
I might have been able to study harder...
but I do have this awful sense of signing up for things I very well am not ready for.
What a terribly hard exam.
AP Latin Literature
kiss my ass

at least I made out with a B & A

deceiving

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:08:32 GMT

Sometimes when someone references a great quote... I stop and wonder if they really appreciate or even understand its meaning.

It might be difficult for me to genuinely have affection for someone again.

Also

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:23:25 GMT

Lately, I've felt as though I can't help but to be happy...
Even when I feel I should be sad.

It might be the hormones I'm taking for my acne, and probably is, but I also can't help but to think it might be that this weight feel like it's been lifted off my shoulders. It really does.

I don't know. I think I'm just going to trust in my family for a while. until things pan out. until I feel at ease with my peers.
haha "at ease with my peers". that's a funny concept.

eyes wide open

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:07:00 GMT

So, I'm finding it sort of hard to decide where I stand now...
you know, with myself.

I suddenly couldn't give a shit about my well... so-called friends.
(reminds me of trainspotting)

I'm really oscillated between my old thoughts and self to this new found desire to forget everyone, just fuck it.
Maybe not everyone, but some ones.

You know, maybe I've just been pushed too far this time. Suppose I've just had enough.
It really makes me sick thinking how I knew I was a doormat all along... just lying to myself.
makes it sting that much more

I can't help but to realize that I might have gone wrong somewhere.
I don't feel like I'm given any sort of respect, no matter what they say.
All I see are a bunch of lies.
Maybe I'm completely wrong to assume this,
but part of me -or most of me -really doesn't believe I'm "assuming."

So yeah. I'm thinking I need some time away.
I wish I could start over, at least partially, and meet new people, make new friends, cultivate the older ones.
but... that part of me is just too scared, too frightened... that I might get hurt all over again.

I know, I know, but I just can't help but to think it.

I'm feel ready and I desire to move on to new things.
It's really a drag when you realize (that assuming that I don't believe is "assuming") that you're friend probably thinks you're a boring, predictable human being. You're so cool, but only sometimes. You're only wanted when they're in the mood. That you'll never be enough to truly have fun with. She leaves you when she's ready to be spontaneous, when really you realize she knows nothing about you. You realize that you've never really been able to be yourself around her... for some strange, unexplainable reason.

She thinks she can see through you, but she sorely mistaken.

I might be ready to move on to new things.
but then that other part of me... that one that always holds me back, but in the end makes me feel like a genuine person,
(oh yeah, my conscience)
it's afraid I'll hurt someone... in all my new plans.

So I guess this is my predicament.

But I have one more question.
How did it ever come to be this way?

haha

Wed, 21 May 2008 02:32:46 GMT

so. I guess signing on this thing for the first time in I can't remember was a bad idea.
it's best not to think.

watching all the kids frolic around and play down the sidewalk.
one of those same kids asking me why I still have homework?
while my grades seem to be escalating due to my two absences... what?
sick (mentally)

well, if I can get through this week, I shall be golden.

on the upside, no more latin. and after tomorrow, REALLY no more latin.

I'm in one of those funks again where I really need a haircut and the world seems impossible.
I shall prevail. eventually.

haha i guess this is sort of an inside joke

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:37:54 GMT

I'm really jealous of all the seniors.

the end

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 03:17:57 GMT

Why does it seem that every guy I'd like to get to know... I'm just not good enough for?

PLEASEEEE

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:23:41 GMT

tomorrow = winterfest + sundress day

Forecast for tomorrow is partly cloudy, but mostly sunny, delightful skies... accompanied by shortened classes, large quantities of food, friends, activities, music, dresses, and possibly a moonwalk of some sort or another.

A hopefully dazed morning and a carefree afternoon, followed by one more day of school and a weekend of work, play, work, play, work, play.

Steady rollin, I keep going

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 23:12:48 GMT

Circumstances are seeming strange again.
But what I've just noticed is that when things seem "strange" or "completely different," it's just that I'm unsatisfied with my current state/state with others.

I can't handle the mundane very well.

I suppose I did the semi-noble thing.
I feel better now about it, but now am ended with the same griping feeling of emptiness.

One of my biggest pet peeves... or rather one of the things that make me feel terrible, are when people that are close to me keep something from me. something I would've thought they'd tell me.
Spare me feelings. Forget the fact that you think it would make me feel uncomfortable. Nothing is more important to me than knowing new things about my friends or family members.
I'm going to be happy for you, no matter what. I'm going to want to help you no matter what. Nothing would get in the way of that.
It's happened a number of times lately, but twice this week. Sure, that's just the way people operate. I just wish they could be assured they can be honest with me. I guess they are now.
It's just that blowing feeling when you found out... when you had a suspension in the first place.

I wish I had something happy to write about. Much of my life right now, though, is far from it.
I've been doing that fake smile thing. It's not any good.
The happy moments are usually sort lived. just moments

not trying to sounds "higher than thou," but I feel pretty grounded and well rounded these days. seems like I'm just trying to wait for everyone else.
I wish you all would get on my level. I'm tired of watching from the outside, looking in.
I don't really have anyone that I can have an in depth conversation with anymore.
an intelligent conversation that has nothing to do with petty circumstances or grief.

I'm still waiting.

Looking for expectations, but finding nothing...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 03:26:19 GMT

Best time ever

my back hurts

I didn't really expect things to be this difficult and awkward...
but I was just recently told that I'm very bright, but close to socially inept.
... and I think you might be right, ...Mom.

a late bloomer, they call it.
but, as a result, I'm just pissed off.

can't get it right

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 00:52:52 GMT

I'm slowing losing my faith in society.

wonderful feelings and terrible memories

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 23:10:09 GMT

I just had the best day. !!!!!!!!!

I love my best friends.
I think I hate everyone else
but I love them.

Today was definitely a teaser from summer.
The weather was perfect. A little slice of freedom. A little bit of love in the form of friendship.

I still don't understand how one person can make me so angry.
I'm fighting not to become an overly pessimistic person.

and what summer said got me thinking again about that one regret.
Why do the lessons in life have to hurt so much?
It's just what I have to deal with, I guess.
and like she said, there will be another one just like him.

Like Julie says: "I love life!"

at least for today. :D
I'll try my hardest to keep this feeling on through the week
not sure if it's going to last past 2nd period tomorrow, but I'll try.

I love my dog.

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:30:27 GMT

so I managed to make myself feel trashy, gross, and guilty all at the same time yesterday afternoon.

so what if my super ego is really huge? maybe I like it that way.

teenage wasteland is a terrible place to be. I'm looking forward to the age when I get out of it.